I’ve been having a hard time lately, the saying “stuck between a rock and a hard place” has all new meaning to me. Today marks 5 months that you’ve been gone and I’m still as broken today as I was the day you left. My mind and heart are still stuck on you, I know they always will be, but the world is telling me it’s time to move through this. As you know, I’ve never really been good at being told what to do, but I’m just so tired of fighting. It’s exhausting explaining my situation day in and day out. Everyone expects my heart to be healing but it’s nowhere close to that. It’s shattered into a million pieces and I don’t know what to do.
I listen to people talk about waiting to meet the love of their lives or what they want in a man someday. The other day I read a quote that depicted perfectly what we had. I knew your deepest and darkest secrets that nobody else knew and you knew mine. Do you know how hard it is to open up to anybody else now? I fought for us every single day and I still do, I can’t let go. There’s so many things I’m struggling with right now and you’re nowhere to be found. I’m lost and wandering aimlessly through this life and all I need is you. But you’re gone and I’m left to deal with that, I get it, I’m just tired and want to know when I’m going to wake up from this horrible nightmare.
sometimes i am so very thankful for having the heart that i have. some days, i’m even thankful for having known what it feels like to lose someone. but most days, i just hurt. my heart literally aches; it’s almost as the blood in my whole body has slowed down and it feels as though the ache might actually kill me.
thirteen year olds aren’t supposed to know hurt and pain like adults. they’re not supposed to be so confused and overwhelmed that they take their own lives. but they do…and he did. if i could do anything in this world, i would take the hurt and pain that everyone else feels and i would make it my own. i’ve been through enough pain and suffering in my life that i figure it can’t get much worse, if someone has to feel it, it might as well be me.
i’ve gotten to this point in my life that i feel as though i bring sorrow and pain with me. somewhere along the way i made one too many mistakes, and now, everyone i know has to suffer for it. i want to run. run so very far away. i want to take the hurt with me. i want to leave it all behind. but i’m just not strong enough. people shouldn’t have to know what this feels like, but today, they’re learning. and i wish and hope and pray that they didn’t have to.
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.
